Fitting In
by MadCrazyChloe
Summary: Remus wants to fit in but he tries to fix his actions in a dangerous way, will the others be able to stop and help him before its too late? Self harm warning.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note

Warning of self harm

I own nothing please enjoy

Remus has been joining the light sides more and more often now joining in with movie night as long as he followed the rules (must wear clothes, no gross comments and no eating deodorant were the main 3), allowed to sit with them to eat dinner and even hang out with the sides individually if they invited him. They had fully accepted Deceit a while back, letting him join them in every activity and even offering to let him move his room but he refused, claiming he didn't want to leave Remus alone, which melted his heart when he overheard that. They were taking longer to accept Remus but that was ok, he was a lot weirder and harder to deal with than the other so it made sense. But at the moment he was really trying. He was holding himself back a lot, managing to stop himself more often now than before. Still he wasn't perfect yet, and so sometimes he had to punish himself.

He often had to punish himself for being bad, like when he had started an argument with Roman for being in his brothers way as he was drawing, causing Roman to trip when he came running in. Or when he was helping Patton clean up and the plate slipped out his hand and smashed, that one was especially bad as Patton got hurt cleaning it up. He got extra punishment for that. Whenever something went wrong it was most likely his fault, he hadn't fully learnt yet, but he was getting better, like Patton said he was doing so well (forgetting to mention that he wasn't doing well enough yet.)

When things used to go wrong in the light side he never felt like he had to punish himself because he knew that his punishment would upset Deceit, and his mistake had already upset him enough, but he did feel bad. He had been bad at showing that he felt bad but he did, he always did, he just struggled to change his actions is all.

But now, looking at the angry red lines on his wrists he could see he did less today than before. That meant he was ng better! But still they were there which meant he wasn't doing well enough. He had to do better.

Part of his punishment was going over them all again and remembering where he went wrong and what he did, so closing his eyes re recounted the day.

The first one was from breakfast. It had been going well. Patton had actually invited him to join them today, waking him up to come and join them. Remus had been so excited, running down and sitting in his seat waiting for the food to be done. In his rush downstairs he had forgotten to change, he had to change as Patton didn't like his nightwear. He wore a long sleeved top covered in grafic pictures of 2 octopus having sex, not something family friendly according to Patton so he was asked to not wear it around them. But he realised before the others got down, so with a quick excuse to Patton, he had gotten changed.

1 slices.

He made it back down for breakfast, getting a plateful of pancakes just the way he liked them. Patton was always amazing like that, knowing what each of them wanted and liked. That's why this one was so bad, he got the sauce after Roman had finished, waiting his turn and being good, but by time he was done, there wasn't enough for Patton. Patton who made their food! He quickly made another bottle, blowing off Remus' apology and continuing to eat his food. But Remus knew it took energy to make things, energy that was wasted because he had been greedy.

2 slices.

There were only 2 left after that. The first was around 1 o'clock, a little after dinner. He hadn't joined them today but he came back to hang out afterwards, sitting and drawing in the living room. He had a drink on the table next to him, but when he went to grab it he wasn't looking and knocked it over. That wasn't bad enough, he had knocked it over Logan's book! He soaked the book! Luckily said side had gone to get his own drink, so remus could quickly replaced it, but that wasn't the had messed up and if Logan knew he would be so angry. That meant punishment.

He may not have meant to do any of that but he still did, that was the problem, so to him the punishment was needed. Plus he was thinking more now. Thinking about what he said, how he acted and about everything, so it was working.

Thinking about that he rolled down his sleeves and made his way to bed, waving away the blood stains from the skirt as he went, before flopping down on the bed and passing out.

The next day Remus knew it wouldn't be a good one. As soon as he woke up his head was throbbing. His brain felt like it was trying to escape his head and his arm felt wet and sticky. He knew what this was, he'd woken up like this a few times, his arm had been bleeding all night. Since sides couldn't die, if they had wounds they would repeatedly bleed until the body uses energy to repair it. This would often happen within a few hours, but that was when they were in good health. Remus when he wasn't invited to meals wouldn't eat, which meant he only ate in the morning and evenings and since he was off creating things in the imagination the rest of the time, he burnt through that energy pretty quickly. Deceit had banned him from cooking a few years ago after the last time he had tried to cook he had almost burnt down the house. So from then on if he wasn't invited to meals, he wouldn't eat. He knows that if he asked Deceit he would have cooked for him but that would have meant dragging him from his fun which he wasn't doing, so he didn't eat. It hadn't been too bad until he had to punish himself. The energy for repairing would come from their food, so if he cut too deep, and didn't eat he would end up like this. It would be fine though, a nice rest and he'd be fin-

Knock, knock, knock.

He froze. No this was bad. It was probably Patton wanting him for breakfast. He didn't think he could go down to that without throwing up, but he also didn't want to miss it and upset Patton.

"Remus? Are you awake yet bud? I couldn't get you up for breakfast so why don't you join us for lunch?"

Wait what? Remus thought. He had missed breakfast. Patton had even come and knocked on the door and he'd ignored him. Urgh great what an awful person he was. That would call fro 2 slits, one for missing something Patton directly invited him too, and second for ignoring Patton. But that's for later, now he had to figure out what to do. Well he didn't really have to figure anything out, he needed to go down there and act natural.

"Remus? Ok i'm going to go down, if you're awake please join us."

Crap he was leaving he didn't want that. Quickly Remus tried to change his costume but failed. Ah he forgot about needing energy for that. Stupid. Ok he'd just have to change the normal way, that's fine. But first…

"I'm up Pat." His voice sounded much worse than he expected. "I'll be down soon."

"Remus are you ok? You sound ill. If you can't make it down that's ok."

"NO. I mean no im fine Pat dont worry I'll be down soon."

"Ok kiddo…."

Remus could hear the sound of retreating steps and cursed. This conversation was leading to a lot of punishments, but he'd do that later, now he had to get ready. He quickly stood up, having to grab the bed for support when he felt light headed, waiting a few moments for it to clear. After that had passed he moved to his wardrobe and pulled out a green hoodie and jeans, he didn't feel up to the whole outfit today, before getting changed and exiting his room.

As he made his way downstairs he could hear the laughter of 4 sides as Roman told his friends a story of his adventures. Remus stood listening for a few moments before quietly making his way in and sitting in his usual spot where Patton had already placed a meal for him. Roman continued his story, pretending his brother didn't walk in, while Deceit leant towards Remus bumping their shoulders together, his sign he was here for the other. What most sides didn't know is that Deceit was actually very caring and loving. He was always there to comfort Remus when he was upset, and always looked after him when he was ill. In this moment Deceit felt his mother instincts kick in so was watching the other closely. Remus could tell this as he was the snake looking over every other bite, or when he checked his plate to see how much he'd eaten. Remus loved that his friend cared, it made him feel happy, but he knew care meant he was worried, he was concerned and that was bad, that needed a punishment. Suddenly he felt a nudge from the snake and looked up realising they were all looking at him.

"Umm im sorry?"

"We were asking where you were this morning, you completely ignored popstar and now you're just here to steal our food and ignore us."

"Roman be nice"

Damn he messed up really messed up.

"Didn't mean to. But what's up bro you need my attention so bad?"

No bad. He shouldn't be bugging Roman.

"No, I just think you as a guest here should be more respectful. You don't have a right to be here so you better be good to us for that honour."

"Roman that's enough" Deceit stood up chair falling to the floor with a clatter " he is obviously ill he doesn't need you attacking him."

"Ill? Pff that monster does not get ill."

No no now they are arguing over him damn it.

"Urgh im not dealing with you today. Thank you for the food Pat. Come on Remus."

Remus realises as Deceits arm gently helps him up, he had not eaten any of his food, and had spent the whole argument staring at Roman. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But he still let Deceit lead him towards the snakes room.

Whenever Remus was ill Deceit would bring him to his room, since it was the warmest in the whole place. Remus came to love the room, it felt safe and comforting, so when he stepped into it he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders and he lent into Deceit.

"Remus why didn't you tell me you were sick?" The snake sighed. He'd upset him.

"I'm not." Deceits tongue came out expecting a lie but he tasted nothing, but that was surprisingly common when Remus was ill. Deceit may detect lies but sometimes, mainly with Remus, he couldn't tell it was a lie if the person believed it was true. Unfortunately the pair had different definitions of sick.

"Yes you are. Now rest. I'll wake you later for some soup." He gently pushed Remus to the bed, tucking him in before he sat in the chair and pulled out a book.

"Read to me?" Remus asked in a pleading tone he was not proud of.

"Sure." Deceit read to Remus until he was fast asleep.

When Remus woke up he felt better, he looked at his arm and saw only dry blood. Next he checked the room, first noting the lack of a snake then the time, 11 o'clock. The snake must have gone to sleep somewhere else, damn it. He kicked his savour out of his bed, how awful. But now it's the end of the day which means punishment. He quickly counted them up in his head. 11. 11 slices. But these were all very bad so he would be doing them deeper.

Luckily Deceits room had a bathroom so he wouldn't make a mess. Quickly he shut himself in and conjured a razor. This one was much better when he was especially bad, so with it in hand he began. .Three. With each slice he recounted the event. Six. seven. Eight. How could he do so much wrong in a day. Ten. Eleven. Good he was done. But he was worse than that. He made his friends so upset. He had to keep going. All the things his brother would call him came back and he cut for each one."Stupid" he thought as the blade cut through his pale skin. "Bad" he said as the blade bit deeper."Strange" he mumbled as the crimson liquid dripped onto the floor."Evil" he whispered as the puddle grew around his leg."Waste of space" he thought as the room went black.

Deceit had woken up in the chair next to Remus as his throat scratched. He must have caught whatever Remus was fighting he sighed. Popping all of his joints, Deceit stood up and after scanning Remus one more time, left the room to get a glass of water. He had skipped out on dinner, opting instead to take a plate of food for himself and Remus into his room, not trusting himself to hold back if he had to sit with Roman again today.

As he made his way to the kitchen he could hear talking, it sounded like Roman and Patton.

"I really do think he's ill ro, you heard d, he hasn't woken up yet and he slept in this morning."

"But Remus would never get ill… damn it."

"Well we haven't seen him in a long time we need to learn things about him still."

"I know I just… should have picked up on that and not yelled at him."

At that Deceit decided he had to intervene "No you shouldn't have. But you can't make it better until he is awake so go and rest and don't worry. He will most likely not realise you said it looking at how out of it he was."

"Deceit is her ok?" they questioned in unison.

"He will be, he just needs some rest. As do you now go." He turned his back to them and got a glass of water chugging it before strolling off upstairs. The other 2 followed him up at a slower pace.

They all said their goodbyes as they reached their rooms, Roman looking apologetic and Patton looking glad Deceit had turned up. That was something he still struggles to deal with, people being glad he was about, but it felt nice so that was ok.

Entering his room he noticed the lack of a Remus in his bed. Odd but not something to cause concern, he was most likely in the bathroom. Walking to said room he knocked and waited a few moments before getting no response.

"Remus are you in there?" no response again, but it wouldn't be the first time the duke had passed out in his bathroom while ill, so he twisted the handle and opened the door.

In the future Deceit would deny having screamed Remus' name, but in that moment, seeing the side that felt like a son to him, in a pool of his own blood, wrists sliced open he panicked and didn't care. All logic left Deceits head in that moment, he forgot sides couldn't die and quickly checked the others pulse, hugging him close and letting out a pained cry after being unable to find one.

All of the noise had attracted the other sides, and distantly he could hear Patton crying, Roman freaking out, while Logan and Vrigil came up with a plan to help Remus. Next he felt hand trying to take Remus so he held him closer, the hands got annoyed but gently grabbed his face and held it to their owners, Virgil.

"Hey Deceit? It's going to be ok. We are going to help Remus but we need to move him so we can look at him ok?" Deceit noded not trusting his voice "Great. Do you think you can carry him downstairs?"

Deceit nodded again and held Remus closer and slowly got up on shaky legs. Once he was sure he was steady enough he carried Remus downstairs and gently layed him down on the sofa, positioning himself by his head and playing with his hair.

The next few hours were a blur for Deceit. Logan and Virgil stitched up the wounds, and noticed the healing and scared ones. Deceit was stuck in his own mind the whole time wondering what happened, why Remus did this, and why he didn't tell him. God he felt so bad.

After cleaning up, Logan announced there was little else they could do so after creating a heart rate monitor he suggested they all rest, of course no one would leave the room Remus was in, so they all laid around in silence until exhaustion took them. Roman had been first, tired out from constant crying. Next was Patton, cuddling up small to Logan, Logan following him soon after. Leaving just the former Dark sides. Virgil watched Deceit for a long time, trying to read his mind, or get the message across that it wasn't his fault, but soon he also fell asleep.

Things stayed like that for 2 days, none of them leaving the living room, apart from to get food or just the restroom (except Deceit who had refused to leave Remus' side again and only ate a small amount of what Virgil brought him.) instead sitting with each other in silence, only broken by the beeping of the heart machine, and occasionally the sounds of crying. But in the evening of the second day, a groan broke through the silence. A groan Deceit had been hoping to hear for two days.

"Remus?" he croaked.

"Double D you been taking too many dicks?" Deceit was too relieved to be annoyed at the line as he dove over the sofa to hug him.

"You damn idiot you're not allowed to leave me. Not every you hear?" Remus felt something wet hit his face and looked up to see Deceit crying, making tears come to his own eyes.

"Aww didn't think you'd cry for me."

"Of course i would, your my baby and i love you so much." The tears overflowed Remus' eyes.

"Thanks. Same."

Authors notes

So i cried making this and hope the feeling got across in the story. Please let me know what you think, any errors or anything else.

I'm thinking of writing another chapter of this with some events after this one so let me know if you'd like that.

Have a good day :)


	2. Chapter 2

For a while they all sat on the sofa in a hugging pile, but the weight of the situation soon caught up with them all, and as they finally broke apart the air was thick with tension and everyone looked around unsure what to do next. Surprisingly it was Remus who broke the awkward silence.

"I-IM' sorry please dont be disappointing." He spoke in such a small voice the others had to strain to hear it but when they did it broke their hearts.

"Disappointed? Why on earth would we be disappointed?" Deceit questioned.

"B-Because I was bad, and I-I made everyone upset, and i failed, and i messed up so much, and i couldn't even make up for it properly without messing up and making everyone upset and I probably caused so many problems and i-"

"Aww Remus its ok, we aren't disappointed." Patton tried to comfort, but Remus made no indication that he heard him.

"And earlier i had ignored Patton this morning and then I made Deceit and Roman argue and then everyone was angry and upset and that was all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm such a a failure. I mess up so-"

They had all noticed as Remus went on with his rambling his tears grew and soon he began hyperventilating, but none of their words worked to pull him back, until Deceit pulled him to his chest, burying the Creative sides head in his chest and playing with his hair while gently rocking side to side. Instantly Remus' rambling cut off as he was surrounded by the comforting scent of his snake mum, and listening to the steady heart beat pressed to his ear.

The other sides just stared in shock, they had never seen Remus like this and it worried them. Sure they all knew that the chaotic side had to have emotions but he rarely showed them other than his excitement, so to seem him so upset was upsetting. The swiftness of Deceits actions made them feel so much worse, they realised these freak outs may not be new, but something the pair have gone through before, without any of them noticing, not even Virgil.

They all stayed in silence for a while, allowing Deceit to whisper comforting words to Remus, hoping the other would calm down soon, but looking at Remus' shoulders still shaking so violently, they had little hope. Soon Deceit spoke up loud enough for all of them to hear.

"Would it be better if it was just the two of us?" they all saw a quick nod of the hidden before Deceit looked at them with apologetic eyes.

They all knew the pair had a special bond, but to be left out of the conversation where their friend, no family member was hurting was upsetting, but Remus needed to open up to someone, and if that had to be alone then they could accept that, and so they all got up and after sending quiet words of love to Remus, left.

Deceit held Remus like that for a while longer, before gently pulling Remus away, ignoring the small whine the other let out, so he could see his face.

"Remus, I promise you you are not a disappointment to any of us. We love you. I love you so much,you are amazing and incredible and I would die if i lost you. Can you tell me why you thought that?" Deceit spoke in a soft voice reserved only for when the two were in private.

Remus just shrugged his shoulders.

"Ok. It's ok you can tell me later. I just want to help you but we can go at your pace. It's ok baby. You said earlier about ignoring Patton earlier today was that breakfast?"

Remus nods.

Deceit took a deep breath " That was two days ago sweetie. You were passed out for two whole days." Deceit could feel Remus tense up so he began stroking his hair again, calming him down. " Do you remember what happened?" Another nod. " Is that why you seemed ill the day before as well?" Another nod. " Oh baby…. I wish you'd have told me before it went this far. Please in the future talk to me before doing this, we can come up with a way to deal with it."

"B-but then I wouldn't be punished…." Remus sounded so broken Deceit almost broke down then.

"Baby why do you need punishing….." although he had an idea, he needed to confirm it before he could fix this.

"'M bad, messed up, need to be better for them to accept 't keep doing bad." Those words broke Deceits heart, he couldn't believe his baby felt like this and he didn't realise, and worse of all that he didn't realise he wanted to be accepted so much.

"No. no no no baby you don't have to do that. You don't have to change at all for them to accept you, and even if that was true this isn't how you do it."

" But it worked…." Remus' voice gained its usual excited spark as he spoke "They like me more now, I get to hang out with them more and i get to play with Roman, I even get to eat. Dee it's great around them" His voice dropped again, almost pleading now "Please don't make me stop, I don't want to lose this."

"R-Remus you can't keep doing that, we can talk to the others and get them to accept you as you are, please you cannot keep hurting yourself to get them to like you."

"NO! I'm not losing this! This is the only way they will accept me! It's the only way I can behave and that's what i have to do so i wont stop and you cannot stop me!"

"You can't do this Remus! You are so weak, it's hurting you so much! W-What if it kills you?" Deceit had tears streaming down his own face now but he didn't care, all of his attention was on the side in front of him, he didn't even notice the other sides who had been listening in.

"So what?! It wouldn't matter anyway! If i can't join you all what's the point?! To sit alone and not be able to do anything?! It's pointless! You have another creativity so what's the point of me?! I could just disappear and take all the bad stuff with me and it wouldn't matter, no one would care unless I'm able to change to be better!" After his outburst, Remus curled in on himself, holding back sobs.

"Remus… I '' Deceit reached over to touch him, but Remus flinched away. " I don't know how to show you more but I love you, I love you so much, I only want to help you and I hate seeing you in pain. Please we can come up with a different way to get the others to accept you but you don't need to do this, you are amazing and perfect as you are, your outbursts and intrusive thoughts make up you, not just creativity. Thomas would have such a rush of intrusive thoughts if you left it would reck him, you are so important to him, please please don't talk about yourself like that again."

Remus uncurled himself slightly and sent a weak glare to Deceit " Too bad you're the only one who thinks that."

"That's not true! I'm so sorry for how we acted towards you, we shouldn't have forced you to change but from now on you can be you around us, to be homst you ating calm and nice was getting creepy." Remus let out a watery laugh. " And as your twin i cannot allow you to change at all, you must stay the same or you'll steal my thing and that cannot happen." Roman grinned at his brother from his new place in front of the sofa.

"Yeah I'm sorry too kiddo. I shouldn't have given you all those rules, they stop you from being you and we can't have that, you have to be you! And you can join us whenever you like, you are one of us now." Patton smiled warmly at him.

"R-Really?"

"Yeah. I mean they accepted me for who I am, darkness and all, and Deceit with his scaly face and lying so why not you as well. Also sorry, I know how much it sucks to try and fit in and I just made things harder for you." Virgil looked at Remus with guilt in his eyes.

"I feel i should add if believed we would see your actions as the correct course you are mistaken, we would never wish pain upon someone else, even if ,unlike yourself, we did hate them."

"See it isn't just me who thinks it, we all want the best for you, and we hate seeing you hurt, it broke us so much to see you laying here, please talk to us next time, even if you can't talk to me, talk to someone."

"Ok i will, I promise… sorry Dee." Remus fully uncurled himself and hugged Deceit.

"You don't need to apologize, I'm just glad you're listening." Deceit held Remus protectively.

"Not just that, for what I said, i didn't mean to upset you." Remus spoke quietly enough so only Deceit could hear.

"You can make it up to me by talking to me in the future." Deceit smirked.

"Deal! Now can we eat? I'm starving."

"Dinner will be done any minute. Go sit down." Patton giggled.

After that they all made their way to the kitchen table setting in to their usual seats chatting happily about random things. Deceit would bump shoulders with Remus every so often Remus shooting him a smile every time.

Once everyone had eaten, no one wanted to leave the others, so they all opted to have a movie marathon. So Patton made some snacks, popcorn and cookies, Remus and Roman ran around like mad men seeing who could get the most pillows and blankets ( Roman totally didn't let his brother win.) while Deceit and Logan set up the DVD player, inserting shrek as requested by Remus. Soon they found themselves all squished together on the too small sofa but no one complained. Logan sat against one side, with patton cuddling up against him, Virgil sat with his back against the sofa in between Romans legs who was leaning into his brother while the green twin curled up on Deceits lap.

Everyone sat through the movie quietly to begin with until snickering was heard from Remus, everyone ignored it to begin with until Deceit chuckled and asked" what's so funny Ree?"

"Well we fit the characters, I'm Donkey, Dee is Shrek, Roman is Lord Farquaad, Virgil is Fiona, Patton is the gingerbread man but I can't figure out who Logan is." The rest of the group started laughing as well, ignoring Roman's protests and playful punches.

Throughout the rest of the movie the group would point out lines each other would say and all ended up in stitches by the end and agreed to do it for all of the movies, until half way through Shrek 3 Deceit heard soft snoring from on top of him and smiled as he noticed Remus asleep.

"I'm going to take him to my bed, see you all tomorrow." He whispered, catching all the others' attention, before passing Remus to his brother so he could get up before carrying the boy to the snakes room. Once inside he transformed their outfits into fluffy pjs before getting both of them situated under the covers holding Remus close and kissing his forehead.

"I won't let you ever get hurt again baby." he spoke in barely a whisper before closing his eyes and quickly falling asleep.


End file.
